Just a Wee Nap...

[Me, having disappeared for a wee afternoon nap]
Donkey:  Jude?
Me:  Burrowing under the covers.
Donkey:  Jude?
Me:  Burrowing farther under the covers.
Donkey:  JUDE!!!
Me:  👀
Donkey:  [Entering bedroom with arm full of clean laundry] ... AHA!
Me:  [Mumbling] Hmm?  What?
Donkey:  You disappeared.
Me:  I came for a wee nap.
Donkey:  You've been gone two hours.  That's not a nap.  That's a bloody great sleep!
Me:  I was tired?
Donkey:  Didn't you get enough sleep last night?
Me:  I was up at 7:00.  I fed the cats, cleaned the kitchen.
Donkey:  I got up and went to church to pray for our sins.
Me:  Well NEXT week you can pray for another one.
Donkey:  Oh, and what might that be?
Me:  My sloth.
Donkey:  The service isn't long enough.  Get up.  I need the sheets for the laundry.
Me:  [Muffled]. I'm still using them.
Donkey:  But they need to be stripped, washed and put back on before we can go to bed tonight.
Me:  TBH, Donkey, we have more than one set of sheets...
Donkey:  I like the ones currently on the bed.
Me:  So do I.  I'm still using them.
Donkey:  Get up!  I need to strip the bed.
Me:  Well strip YOUR side of the bed.  I'm still using mine.
Donkey:  You are in the middle lane of a two-lane bed!
Me:  Oh.  So what exactly are you saying?
Donkey:  [Treading water].  Nothing.  Get up!
Me:  No.
Donkey:  How long before you're done "napping"?
Me:  The longer you pester me, the longer I'll "nap".
Donkey:  How about I make you a sandwich and a nice cup of tea?
Me:  Now you're talking...

Last Night in Hospital

After Donkey's heart attack and miraculous recovery, his last night in hospital, we are communicating  by text after visiting hours were over...

 PING!
Donkey:  Do the cats miss me?
Me:  I miss you, Donkey.
Donkey:  Well, yes, I ... erm ... know that my sweet.
Me:  And yet...
Donkey:  So.  Do the cats miss me?
Me:  Yes, YOUR cat misses you.  MY cat is in the process of moving into your chair.  And your side of the bed.
Donkey:  [sends really frightening selfie] Show my cat this.
Me:  What.  You want I should scare your cat to death?
Also Me:  [sends equally appalling selfie]
Donkey:  Lordy, Jude.  Are you trying to finish me off?
Me:  Tit for tat, Donkey.
Donkey:  Struth.  I'm still great sport for you, aren't I?
Me:  You know it, Babe.
Donkey:  The nurse just came in to flush my spigots.  And other stuff.
Me:  What colour are her eyes?
Donkey:  Wasn't looking at them ... erm ... BROWN.
Me:  I'll wait.
[Lapsed time - 5 minutes.  Or so. Not enough for shenanigans]
Donkey:  Spigots flushed.  Sugar good.  BP good.  Pulse in feet good.
Me:  You didn't show her your selfie did you?
Donkey:  No.  I showed her yours.
Me:  Right.  Yours is going up on Facebook.
Donkey:  That's just cruel.
Me:  Love and war.
Donkey:  Okay.  I'll delete yours from my phone if you'll delete mine from yours.
Me:  Deal.
Also me:  Done.
Donkey:  Done.  We'll never speak of this again, right?
Me:  Never.
Donkey:  We make a good team, don't we?
Me:  You know it, Babe. ❤️
P.S. - Bring the gowns home - we can play doctor!

Fridge of Dorian Grey

Donkey:  What's for lunch?
Me:  There's stuff in the fridge that's about to expire.
Donkey:  Like what?
Me:  Eggs.
Donkey:  So, eggs for lunch?
Me: We can't.  We're vegan, remember?
Donkey:  What else we got?
Me:  Yogurt...
Donkey:  Still good?
Me:  For about another hour.
Donkey:  You gonna eat it?
Me:  Vegan...
Donkey:  So ... you want I should eat it?
Me:  If you love me, you'd throw yourself on your sword and suck it up.
Donkey:  I already threw myself on my sword when I drank the milk that was about to expire.
Me:  That's love.
Donkey:  So what's in the fridge that's NOT about to expire?
Me:  The taboule...
Donkey:  What are we going to do with the taboule?
Me:  I thought I'd have a toasted taboule sandwich.
Donkey:  That's it?
Me:  With chickpea salad?
Donkey:  Is it still good?
Me:  For about 6 hours...
Donkey: 👀
Me:  👀
Donkey:  I'll race you to the taboule.
Me:  Last one there is a rotten egg.

Vegetarians

Me:  I have decided we are embracing a whole foods plant-based diet.
Donkey:  Say what?
Me:  Yes, it's true.
Donkey:  When you say, "we," are you referring to the "royal we?"
Me:  No.
Donkey:  You mean BOTH OF US?  😱
Me:  Yep.
Donkey:  What about milk or cream in your coffee?
Me:  Gone.
Donkey:  Grilled cheese?
Me:  Sacrilege.
Donkey:  BACON?!?
Me:  Cardinal sin.
Donkey:  Does this mean ...
Me:  Yes.
Donkey:  😱
Me:  Congratulations, you are a vegan.
Donkey:  ICE CREAM?
Me:  Does it grow on trees?
Donkey:  Well, no, but...
Me:  No buts.  If I'm going vegan, so are you.
Donkey:  But...
Me:  Don't whine - you can't have any cheese with it.
Donkey:  Are we going to annoy all our friends with this?
Me:  Only the ones who need annoying.
Donkey:  I want a back bacon sandwich.
Me:  You only THINK you want a back bacon sandwich.
Donkey:  No, I am reasonably certain I want a back bacon sandwich.
Me:  You can have a BBLT.  Without the B's.
Donkey:  I think I just remembered, I'm having dinner out tonight.
Me:  I have spies. 👀

Fish Sandwich

Donkey: It’s fish

Me: Yeh, so?

Donkey: With lettuce

Me: And?

Donkey: Tomato?

Me: And?

Donkey: Cheese?

Me: How much cheese?

Donkey: Eighth of a cup?

Me: Are you sure?

Donkey: Well, it was shredded so actually, it was mostly air?

Me: Hmmmm.  Are you telling me or asking me?

Donkey: Diet food, if you will, with added tartar sauce and brioche bread...

Me: you should put a watermelon next to it. For perspective.  If you will. 

Donkey: I am sensing hostility. 

Me: more like incredulity. 

Donkey: with added hostile undertones?

Me: just eat your diet sandwich.

Donkey Has a Cardiac Event

On a serious note, earlier today, Craig had a heart attack.  He is on the mend, but he had an artery that was 99% blocked and they performed angioplasty, stenting the problem artery.  He is expected to spend 3 days in hospital and then come home.  Prayers for continued healing would be appreciated!

Rewriting Amadeus

Donkey:  Are you deliberately trying to alter the tempo on that piece?
Me:  Whaddaya mean?
Donkey:  Well you know how the original goes "da da da da"
Me:  What are you saying?
Donkey:  Well, you are playing it "Daaa da da da"
Me:  I'm playing it the way it is written.
Donkey:  [looking at the music. Looking back at me.]
Me:  What.  WHAT!?
Donkey:  The way Mozart wrote it?  Or the way YOU wrote it?
Me:  {sensored}
Donkey:  Never mind ... what was I thinking?
Me:  {sensored}
Donkey:  I guess Mozart got it wrong...
Me:  {heavily sensored}
Donkey:  Backing away slowly now.  As you were.  [humming daaa da da da ...]. I can live with that.