Just a Wee Nap...

[Me, having disappeared for a wee afternoon nap]
Donkey:  Jude?
Me:  Burrowing under the covers.
Donkey:  Jude?
Me:  Burrowing farther under the covers.
Donkey:  JUDE!!!
Me:  👀
Donkey:  [Entering bedroom with arm full of clean laundry] ... AHA!
Me:  [Mumbling] Hmm?  What?
Donkey:  You disappeared.
Me:  I came for a wee nap.
Donkey:  You've been gone two hours.  That's not a nap.  That's a bloody great sleep!
Me:  I was tired?
Donkey:  Didn't you get enough sleep last night?
Me:  I was up at 7:00.  I fed the cats, cleaned the kitchen.
Donkey:  I got up and went to church to pray for our sins.
Me:  Well NEXT week you can pray for another one.
Donkey:  Oh, and what might that be?
Me:  My sloth.
Donkey:  The service isn't long enough.  Get up.  I need the sheets for the laundry.
Me:  [Muffled]. I'm still using them.
Donkey:  But they need to be stripped, washed and put back on before we can go to bed tonight.
Me:  TBH, Donkey, we have more than one set of sheets...
Donkey:  I like the ones currently on the bed.
Me:  So do I.  I'm still using them.
Donkey:  Get up!  I need to strip the bed.
Me:  Well strip YOUR side of the bed.  I'm still using mine.
Donkey:  You are in the middle lane of a two-lane bed!
Me:  Oh.  So what exactly are you saying?
Donkey:  [Treading water].  Nothing.  Get up!
Me:  No.
Donkey:  How long before you're done "napping"?
Me:  The longer you pester me, the longer I'll "nap".
Donkey:  How about I make you a sandwich and a nice cup of tea?
Me:  Now you're talking...

Last Night in Hospital

After Donkey's heart attack and miraculous recovery, his last night in hospital, we are communicating  by text after visiting hours were over...

 PING!
Donkey:  Do the cats miss me?
Me:  I miss you, Donkey.
Donkey:  Well, yes, I ... erm ... know that my sweet.
Me:  And yet...
Donkey:  So.  Do the cats miss me?
Me:  Yes, YOUR cat misses you.  MY cat is in the process of moving into your chair.  And your side of the bed.
Donkey:  [sends really frightening selfie] Show my cat this.
Me:  What.  You want I should scare your cat to death?
Also Me:  [sends equally appalling selfie]
Donkey:  Lordy, Jude.  Are you trying to finish me off?
Me:  Tit for tat, Donkey.
Donkey:  Struth.  I'm still great sport for you, aren't I?
Me:  You know it, Babe.
Donkey:  The nurse just came in to flush my spigots.  And other stuff.
Me:  What colour are her eyes?
Donkey:  Wasn't looking at them ... erm ... BROWN.
Me:  I'll wait.
[Lapsed time - 5 minutes.  Or so. Not enough for shenanigans]
Donkey:  Spigots flushed.  Sugar good.  BP good.  Pulse in feet good.
Me:  You didn't show her your selfie did you?
Donkey:  No.  I showed her yours.
Me:  Right.  Yours is going up on Facebook.
Donkey:  That's just cruel.
Me:  Love and war.
Donkey:  Okay.  I'll delete yours from my phone if you'll delete mine from yours.
Me:  Deal.
Also me:  Done.
Donkey:  Done.  We'll never speak of this again, right?
Me:  Never.
Donkey:  We make a good team, don't we?
Me:  You know it, Babe. ❤️
P.S. - Bring the gowns home - we can play doctor!

Fridge of Dorian Grey

Donkey:  What's for lunch?
Me:  There's stuff in the fridge that's about to expire.
Donkey:  Like what?
Me:  Eggs.
Donkey:  So, eggs for lunch?
Me: We can't.  We're vegan, remember?
Donkey:  What else we got?
Me:  Yogurt...
Donkey:  Still good?
Me:  For about another hour.
Donkey:  You gonna eat it?
Me:  Vegan...
Donkey:  So ... you want I should eat it?
Me:  If you love me, you'd throw yourself on your sword and suck it up.
Donkey:  I already threw myself on my sword when I drank the milk that was about to expire.
Me:  That's love.
Donkey:  So what's in the fridge that's NOT about to expire?
Me:  The taboule...
Donkey:  What are we going to do with the taboule?
Me:  I thought I'd have a toasted taboule sandwich.
Donkey:  That's it?
Me:  With chickpea salad?
Donkey:  Is it still good?
Me:  For about 6 hours...
Donkey: 👀
Me:  👀
Donkey:  I'll race you to the taboule.
Me:  Last one there is a rotten egg.

Vegetarians

Me:  I have decided we are embracing a whole foods plant-based diet.
Donkey:  Say what?
Me:  Yes, it's true.
Donkey:  When you say, "we," are you referring to the "royal we?"
Me:  No.
Donkey:  You mean BOTH OF US?  😱
Me:  Yep.
Donkey:  What about milk or cream in your coffee?
Me:  Gone.
Donkey:  Grilled cheese?
Me:  Sacrilege.
Donkey:  BACON?!?
Me:  Cardinal sin.
Donkey:  Does this mean ...
Me:  Yes.
Donkey:  😱
Me:  Congratulations, you are a vegan.
Donkey:  ICE CREAM?
Me:  Does it grow on trees?
Donkey:  Well, no, but...
Me:  No buts.  If I'm going vegan, so are you.
Donkey:  But...
Me:  Don't whine - you can't have any cheese with it.
Donkey:  Are we going to annoy all our friends with this?
Me:  Only the ones who need annoying.
Donkey:  I want a back bacon sandwich.
Me:  You only THINK you want a back bacon sandwich.
Donkey:  No, I am reasonably certain I want a back bacon sandwich.
Me:  You can have a BBLT.  Without the B's.
Donkey:  I think I just remembered, I'm having dinner out tonight.
Me:  I have spies. 👀

Fish Sandwich

Donkey: It’s fish

Me: Yeh, so?

Donkey: With lettuce

Me: And?

Donkey: Tomato?

Me: And?

Donkey: Cheese?

Me: How much cheese?

Donkey: Eighth of a cup?

Me: Are you sure?

Donkey: Well, it was shredded so actually, it was mostly air?

Me: Hmmmm.  Are you telling me or asking me?

Donkey: Diet food, if you will, with added tartar sauce and brioche bread...

Me: you should put a watermelon next to it. For perspective.  If you will. 

Donkey: I am sensing hostility. 

Me: more like incredulity. 

Donkey: with added hostile undertones?

Me: just eat your diet sandwich.

Donkey Has a Cardiac Event

On a serious note, earlier today, Craig had a heart attack.  He is on the mend, but he had an artery that was 99% blocked and they performed angioplasty, stenting the problem artery.  He is expected to spend 3 days in hospital and then come home.  Prayers for continued healing would be appreciated!

Rewriting Amadeus

Donkey:  Are you deliberately trying to alter the tempo on that piece?
Me:  Whaddaya mean?
Donkey:  Well you know how the original goes "da da da da"
Me:  What are you saying?
Donkey:  Well, you are playing it "Daaa da da da"
Me:  I'm playing it the way it is written.
Donkey:  [looking at the music. Looking back at me.]
Me:  What.  WHAT!?
Donkey:  The way Mozart wrote it?  Or the way YOU wrote it?
Me:  {sensored}
Donkey:  Never mind ... what was I thinking?
Me:  {sensored}
Donkey:  I guess Mozart got it wrong...
Me:  {heavily sensored}
Donkey:  Backing away slowly now.  As you were.  [humming daaa da da da ...]. I can live with that.

All Roads Lead to Krispy Kreme

Brrrrrrrrinnnnggggg!
[Answering Phone]

Me:  Hello?
Donkey:  Just swung by Samsung and got refund promised yesterday.
Me:  Let me guess.  You find yourself at Krispy Kreme.
Donkey:  Oh, you're good.
Me:  We've been married nigh on 40 years, Donkey.  I know how you think.
Donkey:  So I was wondering, being birthday week and all, if you would care to join me in a pre-celebration doughnut.  Or two.
Me:  How is it that no matter where you go, you seem to find your way to a bakery/doughnut shop?
Donkey:  They doth beckon me.
Me:  Convenient, "Adam."
Donkey:  So, "Eve," you gonna join me?
Me:  On the road to perdition?
Donkey:  No, on the road to Krispy Kreme.
Me:  Yeh, okay.
Donkey:  That's my girl.

Quick Errand. How Hungry Are You?

Donkey out to Samsung Service Centre with phone.  It should be a quick errand and then Donkey will bring home dinner.

Brrrrrringgggggg!
Me [vaulting down stairs to answer phone]
BRRRINGGGG!
Me:  I'M COMING!!!  Hello?  (Seriously out of breath)
Donkey:  How hungry are you?
Me:  Why?
Donkey:  Just found the vexed place now and it's too late to have them look at my phone because I will be late for my doctor appointment.
Me:  I can wait until you're out of the doctor's appointment
Donkey:  But then I will have to go and pick up our prescriptions.
Me:  So??? (Still out of breath)
Donkey:  So how hungry ARE you?
Me:  Bellybutton sucking on backbone.  How hungry are you?
Donkey:  Very.  But I'm fasting.
Me:  Sucks to be you.
Donkey:  Seriously.  How hungry are you?
Me:  Your cat is starting to look tasty.

Donkey:  My cat is nugget-sized.  There's more meat on YOUR cat.

Me:  She's mostly fat.  And ornery.
Donkey:  She is that.  Remind me again why we got her.
Me:  Because she is adorable.  She just has cattitude.  It's endearing.
Donkey:  So I should come straight home from the doctor?
Me:  No.  Get the pharmaceuticals and then bring me soup and sandwich from Tim's.
Donkey:  Stay away from my cat.

Aversion to Cold

Donkey:  I'm cold. Can we turn on the heat?
Me:  No! Put on a sweater! I'm not turning on the heat in June.
Donkey:  But it's only 55 degrees outside.
Me:  June!
Donkey:  Fine. I'm going out to get some groceries.
Me:  Put on your parka. Don't want you catching cold.
[Later: Donkey still out shopping]
Me:  [thinking it *is* a bit nippy in here, cranks up the heat.]
[Later: Donkey home.]
Me:  Sweetheart, we need a chair out of the crawl space for the English family to use in the guest room.
Donkey:  I'll go get it.
[Substantial clattering and banging ensues. An hour passes]
Donkey:  I got the chair. I tried to squeeze it past the furnace but it wouldn't work, so I had to move the pantry cupboard from in front of the other opening, then move all the winter coats from the rail behind it, and got it through there and then I had to hang up all the winter coats and put the pantry cupboard back and SWEAT was lashing out of me.
Me:  🤭🤭
Donkey:  Don't you dare laugh. Did you turn on the heat?
Me:  🤭🤭
Donkey: You DID. You DID turn on the heat.
Me:  I was cold.😬
Donkey:  Oh. So when I'M cold ... in June ... I need to put on a sweater. When YOU'RE cold ... in June ... you get to turn on the heat.
Me:  I'm a delicate flower, Donkey.
Donkey:  I have another name for it. That makes you a [sensored].🤬
Me:  Oooooooh, Donkey! [clutching pearls]
Donkey: Just so we're clear.
Me: Donkey?
Donkey: What.
Me: It's hot in here.
Donkey: Shall I turn off the heat, Princess?
Me: If it's not too much bother.
Donkey: But what if I am cold?
Me:  It's June! Put on a sweater!

At Picton Fibrefest

At Picton Fibrefest after a respectable amount of shopping [sent Donkey off to browse the sweets...]

Me (whispering to vendor): my bag won’t close! I’d better stop shopping.
Vendor (also whispering): Take a load out to the car and then come back for another run.
Me (whispering): Why are we whispering?
Vendor (looking over my shoulder) 🤫😏
Me:  He’s standing behind me, isn’t he?
Donkey:  Yes, *he* is.
Me:  Busted. Wait, what’s in the bag, Donkey?
Donkey:  Is that a yarn bowl?  How many yarn bowls do you need?
Me:  I’ll let you know when I’ve got enough. What’s in the bag, Donkey?
Donkey:  Mincemeat plus nothing bad.
Me:  Awful big bag for mincemeat.  What else is in the bag?
Donkey:  Maybe some banana bread...
Me:  Absolution is sweet.
Donkey:  Not as sweet as the mincemeat. So we’re taking this out to the car then?
Me:  Mush, Donkey! The yarn bowls won't carry themselves!